The SubStandard regrets to report that the much anticipated new and expanded washroom facilities for Sunset Beach Park, which began last fall with the buzz of chainsaws, crashing of trees and growling of backhoes, seems to have fallen seriously behind schedule and appears unlikely to be open for the horde of invading visitors anticipated next month.

One unsubstantiated rumour overheard by the SubStandard suggests that the delay may have occurred when the quantity of sand in the soil on the site was underestimated (on a beach? Surely not), causing the poured cement foundation to collapse.

In any event, despite this setback, the City has responded promptly and creatively. Though not yet open to the public – perhaps we can look forward to the mayor cutting the ribbon soon? — both a blue and snazzy stainless steel portapotty have been installed on the newly anointed toilet locale. (Note that these aren’t just any portable outhouses, either, but super deluxe Five Star johns!)

Some questions still remain as to why the washrooms were moved from the original site in the first place. The old (and perfectly serviceable) gents and ladies were on the east side of the parking lot directly adjacent to the city sewage treatment plant. Not only did relocating the washrooms necessitate the removal of a half dozen trees and ripping up green park space, it also meant a new sewage line would have to be laid under the parking lot.

Surely this decision was not based on the assumption that the City would be installing parking meters and that the current location of the washrooms could be converted into at least 10 revenue producing parking spots?

Niagara Regional Council Chair Jim Bradley has called on the federal government to help fund the Niagara SubStandard. Referring to the SubStandard as a “local source of incredible news,” Chairman Bradley made the plea at the Regional Council meeting last Thursday. With unanimous support, the resolution introduced by Bradley recognized that “a healthy professional media is essential to the proper function of democracy,” and that this especially applies to the satirical media. “It has long been recognized that it’s the irreverent, the lampooning, the media not afraid of cutting through the bluster, misinformation and selective news releases that often contain the real truths.”

The Substandard also applauds Chairman Bradly for his ongoing support for progressive environmental policies by urging the federal government to “ensure an ecosystem for a healthy news media.”

As a major source of incredible news and thus an essential contributor to the democratic process in Niagara, we look forward to a small but timely infusion of federal cash in support of our ongoing crusade for truth, justice and the Canadian Way.

The SubStandard has requested that the federal grant funds be deposited into a numbered account in the Cayman Islands.

Bolstered by results from last summer’s survey of the public’s vision for Sunset Beach and Lakeside Park that showed a clear majority of respondents do not support paid parking, on Monday the council will hear a recommendation from City staff to…impose paid parking at Sunset Beach and Lakeside Park.

At three bucks an hour and a maximum of three hours of parking, the City recognizes this might be a bit steep for some residents. They also acknowledge that the move will create parking chaos in the nearby neighbourhoods. But Merriton Councilor Greg Miller urged Council to adopt the ‘Keg’ option to relieve parking problems at city beaches. “Once we pave over Mt. Locks Park, we’ll have lots of free parking spots at the Keg,” says Miller. “Sure it’s a long way from Sunset Beach, but I mean with the money you’ll save, you could enjoy a steak dinner after a day at the beach. Besides, what good is a park if you can’t park on it?” Miller also pointed out that forcing beachgoers to rely on foot transport to cover the 12 kilometers to the beach would fit right into the City’s Climate Crisis Action Plan.

The City has refused to confirm or deny reports of other revenue-generating strategies being considered, including charging dog owners for walking their pets. Suggested fees range from a dollar an hour for Chihuahuas up to $5 an hour for Great Danes.

Encouraged by his “mom’s advice,” West Lincoln mayor David Bylsma has launched his own brand of orange juice called Mayor Dave’s Miracle Covid Juice. “It’s just what the doctor ordered,” Bylsma gushed at the introduction of the new product. “It saddens me that it has taken so long to get this product to the public. Just think: if this had been around a year ago everybody would be healthy and the economy would be thriving. And most of all we wouldn’t have to deal with all of this mask nonsense.”

Bylsma points out that his product isn’t just any orange juice. “We buy our juice from Brazil. The oranges are grown in former useless land along the Amazon that’s been clear cut for orchards. As a result the oranges are just full of sunshine and fresh air.” But that isn’t the key to its antiviral properties, Bylsma claims. Bylsma, former president of the Christian Heritage Party and perennial CHP federal candidate, said the secret is a single drop of blood. “But very special blood,” Bylsma clarified. “I buy it by the liter from Dennis Van Meer, a local resident who is scientifically certified to have a natural immunity to Covid-19.” Instructions on the bottle suggest that for maximum effectiveness patients drink the Miracle Juice while exercising. While Mayor Dave’s Miracle Covid Juice will soon be in health food stores everywhere, Bylsma revealed he isn’t done yet. “Next winter we plan to have a full line of toques, each one lined with heavy duty aluminum foil.”

Many St. Catharines residents have been eagerly awaiting the reappearance of our iconic totem pole, installed in 1967 as part of Canada’s hundredth birthday celebration. Understandably, over the intervening 50-plus years, the pole had begun to deteriorate, and in August 2019, city council approved a recommendation to take down the totem pole to restore it. Since then, according to the City web site, “The totem pole is currently undergoing restoration efforts. It was successfully removed on Dec. 17, 2019, and will be stored for drying, and restored and re-installed in 2020.” Well, they missed the 2020 deadline, but we are relieved to see it finally returned to its rightful spot. SubStandard reporters at the site did hear some grumbling from observers when the refurbished pole was unveiled. “I remember it as being way taller, ” one woman commented.

“And didn’t it have wings or something?” A man who can still remember the day the pole arrived in St. Catharines also had misgivings. “What happened to the colors? There were colors on that thing, I’m almost sure. ” Another observer said, “They’ve been restoring this for a year and a half? Sure glad they didn’t keep it any longer or there’d be nothin ’left.” When approached about these concerns, City staff admitted the restoration had proved more challenging than originally anticipated. “The rot had set in pretty good. We had to remove more of the old wood than we would have liked to. But people are always complaining about something. Come on – use your imagination, folks. ” The City also conceded the project ran considerably over budget, citing the additional work required and the standard 45% Covid pandemic surcharge.

A local citizen out exercising her pet Newfoundland dog, Joey, noticed a chunk of metal lying on the sidewalk on Ontario Street today. On closer inspection it appears that what she found was a rusted and stripped industrial-size bolt. 

“At first I thought nothing of it,” said Irma Parsons, herself a Newfoundlander. “But then I looked up and realized, by jeez, I was standing right under the catwalk at the old GM factory. I’m tormented, I am.  I mean, we walk that route every day. From what I’ve heard, the whole bloody thing could fall on Joey and smash him flat as a salt cod.” 

Concern about the catwalk was raised in February when the demolition company working at the GM site, Collins’ Haulage, destroyed the old smokestack without a permit. At the time the Company claimed the unauthorized demolition was done to save citizens’ lives.

Sheldon Glaikit, an employee of the demolition company, stated, “If it came down on you, that sucker would make gravy out of you. Yep, that’s what we trained professionals call something like that smokestack:  a gravy maker.” Glaikit went on to warn the unwary community about the overpass across Ontario Street. “That catwalk is the next big danger, and it’s only being held up by eight bolts! Another gravy maker for sure.”

Dog walkers and other pedestrians were understandably unnerved. The city claims the catwalk bolts were inspected and are in good condition, indicating that the catwalk has been held up by the same eight bolts since it was built 50 years ago. 

The mystery of the rusty bolt remains unsolved. When a picture of the bolt was shown to the City Engineering, Facilities, and Environmental Services Department personnel, a spokesperson said they were not overly concerned. “After all, at worst it’s just one bolt out of eight.” The department did agree, however, to erect a sign under the catwalk reading, “Hard Hat Area”. 

Rumours of a mysterious “Town of Lincoln” have circulated in the Niagara region for years. Although there is little physical evidence that such a community actually exists, the legend has become a fixture in local folklore. Believers most often cite signs reading “Town of Lincoln” stuck randomly across the region as proof that the “town” is real, but sceptics point out that the signs are located sometimes as much as 30 miles from each other and are often clearly within the jurisdiction of other municipalities.

Most experts have discounted such claims for years, suggesting that the signs are actually the work of an intergenerational cabal of teenagers from Western Hill, who erect them at arbitrary points around Niagara to confuse locals. Brock University geography professor Dr. Warner Furst has examined the signs scattered across the region. Calling the Town of Lincoln an urban myth, Dr. Furst states, “It is apparent that this is simply an elaborate joke.”

Some supporters aren’t so sure, going so far as to suggest “Lincoln” is a freshwater Atlantis and is actually on an island located several miles off the Grimsby coast of Lake Ontario. According to boater Bob “Scupper” McDougall, he has seen the island several times. “Yup, pretty weird, right? But if you’re out there at just the right time – sundown is best – and look straight over toward Toronto, right? Well, you can make out this low island and sometimes even see people waving at ya.” Mr McDougall suggested that the fabled island/town is easier to see after several Canadian Clubs.

However, it now appears that the controversy has been laid to rest. “Look,” Dr Furst concludes, “Have you ever heard anyone say, ‘Oh, I live in the Town of Lincoln.’ Of course not. The ‘town’ has no comprehensible borders and its so-called ‘town hall’ is in the middle of Beamsville,” he said. “I’m afraid it’s time to put an end to myth, charming as it is, and just accept that the ‘Town of Lincoln’ is about as real as Camelot.”

City Council will be voting on a “transportation master plan” on 12 April. Among other innovations, the plan proposes bulldozing a highway through the old golf course and current greenspace for the densely populated area around the Fairview Mall. Brett Speers, a representative of the consulting company who prepared the plan, WSP (Why Save Parkland?), explained, “We’ve seen a path between Scott Street and the mall that’s been worn away by folks walking or cycling through the grass. Since our main objective in this plan is to “accommodate all modes of travel, especially cars,” we’re just going to enhance that footpath to make it vehicle friendly.” The plan is widely seen by developers to be in the spirit of the Ford government’s forward- looking Highway 413 project. The 413 super-highway will pave over 63 wetlands and 2,000 acres of farmland to save commuters 2-3 minutes on their drive times.

Acknowledging the size of the former golf course and how it provides public areas and gardens for residents of the surrounding apartment blocks, Speers said, “We have certainly heard about the value of the green space, but it’s not like they’re growing potatoes there or anything. It’s just grass.”

A City spokesperson confirmed Speers’ assessment. “You know how much it costs the City to keep that grass mowed? Well, neither do I, but it’s, like, a lot.” The spokesperson dismissed the idea of planting the area in trees and natural flora to save maintenance costs. “Gimme a break. Have you seen the trees we’ve planted lately? Most of them are dead. Concrete lasts much longer.” Supporters of the proposed road focus on the larger political benefits of the plan, pointing out that the move will curry favour with Premier Ford as it dovetails perfectly into his previously announced Bill 257, otherwise known as the Eradication of Nature bill.  The bill rewards local politicians for innovative language that enables the unhindered continuation of a decades-long program of converting green spaces into profit.  Having declared a climate emergency in 2019 and done little else since, St. Catharines is considered a top contender for major provincial recognition. Supporters of the “transportation master plan” go so far as to believe this could lock down first place in the Ontario Municipal Race to the Bottom Sweepstakes.

The demolition company hired to clean up the GM site but instead knocked down the landmark smokestack without a permit is in big trouble. The City expressed outrage that the demolishers had “accidentally” knocked down the 100-foot brick structure in early February while their request for a permit was pending. At that time the City issued a compliance order to the company.

The order required the landowner to apply for and obtain a building permit retroactively before Feb. 22. This was somewhat puzzling as the stack had been destroyed two weeks prior to the deadline. The SubStandard has recently learned that while the demo company did in fact apply for a permit to tear down the stack they had flattened, there were serious problems with the application. Director of planning and building services Tami Kitay said the application was “incomplete.”  What precisely was missing in the request to destroy a structure that was already a pile of bricks on the ground was not identified. Kitay said that the city has communicated their displeasure in the strongest possible terms. “I assure you,” Kitay commented, “the city will not, under any circumstances, issue a permit allowing the demolition company to destroy the smokestack that has already been demolished until the application is complete.”

Enraged citizens are appalled by this turn of events, demanding that the smokestack be reconstructed before it is redemolished with a proper permit.