Niagara Falls Recruits Rejected Reptiles

In a surprise move last week, St Catharines city councillors slammed the door on a proposed reptile zoo to be located in the Fairview Mall. But after being snubbed by St. Catharines, Reptillia appears to be taking its menagerie to Niagara Falls. Though the move isn’t yet finalized, Reptillia owner Brian Brainchild certainly was not happy after the St Catharines decision. “The hell with them,” Brainchild is reported to have said. “If my slithery kids aren’t wanted here, we’ll go where we are appreciated.”

When contacted by Substandard reporters about the rumour, Barry Venal, a spokesperson for the Niagara Falls Economic Development Department, was delighted at the possibility of the Reptilian relocation. “If Mr Brainchild wants to bring his slithering snakes and leaping lizards to Niagara Falls, we are all in. In fact,  Mayor Diodatti has gotten personally involved. He contacted Mr Brainchild and told him that he would be  delighted to see even more snakes come to town.”

It seems unlikely there will be much opposition to the proposed move by the Falls council. As one councillor explained, “Our council is already a viper pit.”

While the location for the proposed attraction, reported to be renamed Slytherin House, is still undetermined, Venal had some sites in mind. “If – and we certainly hope this is not the case — Marineland doesn’t  reopen, that would be a perfect place for the new newts and titillating turtles. I mean it’s  already set up to confine animals to tanks and cages for public entertainment.” 

However, other locations are also available. “Right next to Dinosaur Adventure Golf  would be great too. I mean, aren’t dinosaurs reptiles? Or maybe inside the butterfly conservatory where people can watch the lizards hunt.”  

“We are always looking for ways to enhance the tourist experience,” Venal continued. “I mean, sure it’s one of the Natural Wonders of the World, but after you look at the falls for a few minutes, then what?” 

While there are still a lot of details to be worked out, Reptillia hopes to open in their new digs in time for their famous New Year’s eve party when the python swallows the pig at the stroke of midnight.