Parks Department Announces Magnetic Fishing Derby

If you get lemons, make lemonade. That was the spirit of the recent announcement by a spokesperson for Mayor Sendzik in announcing a new event for fishers, young and old.

“We are very excited about this,” the spokesperson said. “Fishing derbies are real popular family events and we have a chance to put one on right here in St Catharines that is unique and builds on our special assets. Martindale pond is absolutely loaded with heavy metals,” the mayor’s deputy went on. “We will be the first Magnetic Fishing Derby in the whole world!”  

When reporters covering the announcement opined that magnets would only attract iron and other ferrous metals, Director of Municipal Works, Darrell Smith, stepped in to set them straight. “That is a popular misconception,” he said. “In fact lead, manganese, cadmium, cobalt, mercury, nickel and a bunch of other stuff are all attracted to magnets. And we’ve sure got lots of that.” he enthused. “The fish are full of them!”

“I can tell you, with all the heavy metals we’ve got in 12 Mile Creek and Martindale Pond, kids will be pulling those toxic suckers out of the pond like nobody’s business.”

Full rules will be announced soon, but the SubStandard has learned that fishing gear will be limited to neodymium fishing magnets with no more than 375 lbs. pulling force, about the strength needed to pull a 24-inch common carp full of heavy metals or a submerged shopping cart out of the water. As well, the City spokesperson made clear that the tournament will be entirely catch and release. “They wouldn’t want to eat the fish they catch anyway,” he pointed out. “Not if they know what’s good for them.”

Participants will be required to sign a waiver at the time they register agreeing that the City cannot be held responsible for any abnormalities, cancers, intestinal distress or other malady resulting from contact with the heavily contaminated water.