Welland Council Desperately Searches for a Bottom

Fresh from their internationally renowned attempt to expropriate a 150-year old family farm for a commercial development despite being cratered with abandoned industrial sites, Welland governance continues to outdo themselves.

The infamous “farmland to stripmall” municipal plan had barely faded into the collective fog when the Welland City council, apparently feeling neglected from a momentary lack of derision, engaged in the next adventure in their frantic race for the bottom.

After leading the charge to halt the Watters Farm Historical Designation, and thus save it from expropriation, John Mastroianni, Chair of the Welland Heritage Committee, invited his friend, Fred Davies to come in and take over the Central Station Fire Hall for his craft brewery. Oh, did we mention that community volunteers had already donated countless hours to preserve the building for community use? That they had a detailed plan to turn the designated fire hall into a museum honouring Welland’s first responders, complete with an antique fire truck? A plan that had previously been accepted by the City?

Unfortunately for Chair Mastroianni, things got a lot more complicated when the volunteer committee succeeded in obtaining a half-million dollar grant from the federal government. The problem is that the grant came with strings. In fact, the SubStandard has learned, the grant contained an unusual stipulation: “This money from Heritage Canada is intended to preserve the memory of first responders throughout Welland’s long history. It is not to be used to turn the fire station into a brew pub owned by one of the Heritage Committee chair’s good buddies.”

That meant the main floor had to be used as a museum, as designated, including what the “Welland Craft Brewery Project” had called “that crappy old fire truck.”  (Asking “What good is heritage if you can’t use it,” Mastroianni had suggested the truck could be repurposed to deliver beer to surrounding pubs.)

Citing this clause, the citizens’ group is fighting back, and it appears likely that community power may have defeated one more opportunity for Welland to gain national notoriety for poor governance and hidden agendas.

In his defense, Mayor Campion was quick to point out that under his leadership Welland had become famous, the city’s blunders being covered with great mirth by such eminent publications as The Beaverton. “Besides,” the mayor commented. “We have shown that Welland is truly open for business, adopting the respected ‘bordello business model,’ which is based on the principle that we will stop at nothing to accommodate developers’ wildest desires.” 

The Mayor was also bolstered by a recent poll that showed 72% of residents agreeing with the statement, “The council cannot sink any lower.”

“Hey,” he responded cheerfully, “we’re not done yet. 28% think we’ve still got room before we hit bottom.”

One thought on “Welland Council Desperately Searches for a Bottom

  1. This mayor needs to wake up and smell the roses. He clearly does not listen to the people of this city. We are being run out of our homes by over priced rent. Which, is in part to landlords coming in from other cities buying up our properties and forcing our rent to be jacked up to their sky high prices. We can’t afford this kind of lifestyle. We do not live in that kind of tax bracket. We the working poor people of this city are being forced to live with roommates, rent rooms, or live out on the streets. We desperately need a new mayor. Someone who recognizes the people and listens to what’s actually being said to him. We love our town but your forcing us out mayor Campion.

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