In his annual state of the city address March 11, Mayor Sendzik was upbeat, waving pompoms while speaking to a near-empty hall. Despite the lack of an audience, the Mayor was animated in describing how the city had been “firing on all cylinders” just a year ago prior to its momentum being derailed by an unnamed “spiky shaped ball of contagion.” It was this spiky ball, the Mayor explained, that had halted the St. Catharines’ inexorable march toward becoming one of the most “dynamic, innovative, sustainable, and livable cities in North America.”

In terms of sustainability, the mayor pointed to the efficiency of the Ministry of
the Environment, who gave the polluted GM site a clean bill of health based on
rigorous drive-by inspections. “But no worries. That toxic wasteland has been
abandoned for four years. Obviously all the really bad stuff has already run off
into 12 Mile Creek, and the asbestos has long ago blown into peoples’ gardens.”
He grinned at the reporters in attendance, who were clearly impressed by his arm
curls. “And I am also proud to announce the discovery of a new fireproof tomato variety found growing along the perimeter of the GM site. We have named it The Red Wally.”

As for innovation, the Mayor pointed to plans to pave over a portion of a designated historical site and city park to enlarge a parking lot for a nearby restaurant. “This is truly cutting edge stuff,” the mayor said solemnly. “I mean, what good is park space if you can’t park on it?” He also mentioned the demolition of the old smokestack on the GMs completed without a city permit. “That was a relic of the past; we want to be forward looking, dynamic!” the mayor enthused. “Nobody imagined a responsible company would do such a thing without proper permits. Only in St. Catharines do companies have the freedom to innovate like this!”

The Mayor made it clear that he did not want to dwell on the negatives. “What’s with all this doom and gloom stuff? I mean, who was just named a ‘surprisingly cool city’ by Conde Nast? Sarnia? Not a chance. Welland? Don’t make me laugh. Although I must say their idea of confiscating a family farm to build a factory rather than cleaning up one of their abandoned industrial sites was pretty innovative. Niagara Falls is pretty cool too, but wrong again.” The mayor paused dramatically. “Give up? It was moi! er, us,” he beamed. “Now how cool is that?”

The mayor ended on a high note, saying that next year, “St. Catharines will be soaring again. That is my promise to you.” Though he did not provide details, reporters did note that St. Catharines is indeed experiencing soaring house prices, overdose deaths, unemployment, environmental degradation and homelessness.

A 14-year-old boy received a six-month community service sentence for tossing a candy bar wrapper onto the GM site. The boy, whose name cannot be divulged because of his age, was remorseful at his trial, stating tearfully, “I knew it was wrong but I thought, you know, ‘it’s just a KitKat wrapper.’”

A camera hidden in a nearby six-foot pile of contaminated debris caught the boy on video. Given the seriousness of the crime, the City had hoped for a stiffer sentence, pointing out that signs prohibiting littering on the contaminated land was prominently displayed. As a spokesperson for the City commented, “We have to send a clear message that no matter how small, pollution is simply wrong. We need to make it clear that breaking the rules has real and significant consequences.”

A spokesman for Bayshore commented, “We promised that littering on our property would not be tolerated and would be severely prosecuted. If we do not honour our word, how will young people grow up with a respect for the law?”

In other court news, the City’s prosecution of Bayshore for violating 127 safety and fire bylaws was postponed for fourteenth time. Bayshore’s new law firm, Doowey, Cheatum and Howe (DCH), had been granted a postponement by the City in February as a courtesy. As the City’s attorney pointed out at the time, DCH was the eleventh law firm to represent the company since the charges were laid three years ago it was only fair to give them time to review all of court documents.

After the latest delay, City prosecutor Sandor Csanyi noted that “Bayshore has been an excellent corporate citizen and deserves leniency and our full cooperation.” He went on to comment, “Besides it seems that we are very close to possibly come to a resolution.”