Our friends over at the Coalition for a Better St Catharines have just launched a new membership drive with exciting gifts for donors. As you know, The Coalition is a non-profit citizens’ organization dedicated to achieving greater transparency, integrity, and accountability in local government. Through the monitoring of City conduct, public policy research and reporting, public education and issue campaigns, democratic actions, and elections, they combat poor governance and advocate for appropriate action on significant issues.

But to be successful, they need your support. Those of us at the SubStandard urge you to donate to the Coalition to promote good governance and a better St Catharines. We certainly have!

But enough of that, because when you donate, you get some really cool stuff! Choose the category that’s right for you!

• 𝘾𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙤𝙧 ($10 to $25): Coalition membership card and authentic membership ring — in black or fake silver! (Hurry! Selection limited!)

• 𝘼𝙡𝙖𝙧𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙩 ($25 to $50): All the Conspirator level benefits PLUS letter on your behalf from the Coalition requesting 10% property tax rebate from City!

• 𝙍𝙖𝙜𝙚 𝙁𝙖𝙧𝙢𝙚𝙧 ($50 to $100): Benefits of Conspirator and Alarmist levels PLUS Coalition letter of support for any future CIP grant application!

• 𝘿𝙚𝙛𝙖𝙢𝙚𝙧 ($100 +) Benefits of Conspirator, Alarmist, RF levels PLUS economy-sized bottle of PCB laced water from GM site (excellent for cleaning greasy surfaces) OR video of incredible collapsing smokestack! AND (see above for details) a genuine secret decoding ring! (May differ from photo. Please send ring size)

BECOME A SUPPORTING MEMBER – DONATE TODAY

 Make cheques to Coalition for a Better St Catharines, 37a John St, St Catharines, Ontario, Canada, L2N4P2

 E-transfer: Coalition for a Better St Catharines, Meridian Credit Union. Email: info@abetterstcatharines.ca

The SubStandard has learned that in the wake of Council’s recent decision to leave the current CIP scheme intact until 2025, owners of the old GM  plant will be seeking an immediate grant under the program. According to a city employee close to the Planning Department, who wishes to remain anonymous since he/she is not authorized to talk to the public about anything,  the project would replace the “ugly old” plywood fencing surrounding the site. “It would really spruce the place up,” the contact commented.

The spokesperson was confident the proposal would be successful. “I mean, after approving the Harbour Club, these guys should be a shoo-in.”

The unauthorized spokesperson said the project would address all four for CIP priority areas: mixed use, affordable housing, heritage protection and brownfield remediation.

The new fence would do double duty by hiding the mysterious activity taking place on the toxic site while providing a  gallery for budding graffiti artists and a notice board for lost pets and ads for yard sales. By placing gates in the fence, homeless citizens would have even easier access to shelter in the ruined buildings.

“It’s not perfect,” the spokesindividual conceded. “But it’s the first time affordable housing of any sort has been part of a grant application we’ve received under the new program.”

As for heritage preservation, since some of the panels have been up for nearly a decade, those sections will be designated “heritage structures” and preserved.

The applicants also expect full points for brownfield remediation. “First of all, out of sight, out of mind, right? Hiding industrial wasteland is almost as good as actually cleaning it up. Plus these new panels will be exterior grade ¾ inch plywood,” the unauthorized contact enthused. “They will form an impenetrable wall. Our engineers are confident it will keep all those pesky PCBs now leaking into the neighbourhood and into 12 Mile Creek inside the site where they belong.”

The planning person felt the project would easily meet the 50 point threshold. “If they’re running a bit short, we might advise them to add some bike racks along Ontario Street.”

In a surprise move last week, St Catharines city councillors slammed the door on a proposed reptile zoo to be located in the Fairview Mall. But after being snubbed by St. Catharines, Reptillia appears to be taking its menagerie to Niagara Falls. Though the move isn’t yet finalized, Reptillia owner Brian Brainchild certainly was not happy after the St Catharines decision. “The hell with them,” Brainchild is reported to have said. “If my slithery kids aren’t wanted here, we’ll go where we are appreciated.”

When contacted by Substandard reporters about the rumour, Barry Venal, a spokesperson for the Niagara Falls Economic Development Department, was delighted at the possibility of the Reptilian relocation. “If Mr Brainchild wants to bring his slithering snakes and leaping lizards to Niagara Falls, we are all in. In fact,  Mayor Diodatti has gotten personally involved. He contacted Mr Brainchild and told him that he would be  delighted to see even more snakes come to town.”

It seems unlikely there will be much opposition to the proposed move by the Falls council. As one councillor explained, “Our council is already a viper pit.”

While the location for the proposed attraction, reported to be renamed Slytherin House, is still undetermined, Venal had some sites in mind. “If – and we certainly hope this is not the case — Marineland doesn’t  reopen, that would be a perfect place for the new newts and titillating turtles. I mean it’s  already set up to confine animals to tanks and cages for public entertainment.” 

However, other locations are also available. “Right next to Dinosaur Adventure Golf  would be great too. I mean, aren’t dinosaurs reptiles? Or maybe inside the butterfly conservatory where people can watch the lizards hunt.”  

“We are always looking for ways to enhance the tourist experience,” Venal continued. “I mean, sure it’s one of the Natural Wonders of the World, but after you look at the falls for a few minutes, then what?” 

While there are still a lot of details to be worked out, Reptillia hopes to open in their new digs in time for their famous New Year’s eve party when the python swallows the pig at the stroke of midnight.

Building on the successful revenue stream created by the introduction of paid parking at citizen-owned municipal parks, the SubStandard has learned that Council is exploring the idea of imposing a four-tier parking fee system at waterfront parks. According to one source who has seen preliminary literature on the scheme, “This will be a new and innovative way to increase income while addressing the current climate crisis.”

The Preferred Parking Scheme (PPS) would operate in much the same way as different classes of airline tickets.  For the poor and marginalized, the basic $15 parking fee will remain the same, but the city will add three more tiers citizens can access for an extra fee. With each ascending level, patrons receive additional privileges and services. 

While details are still sketchy, it is understood that the scheme will create three new “Preferred Parking” levels:  silver, gold and platinum.  Purchasers will receive striking stickers designed by a prominent local artist

A tentative fee schedule with additional privileges for Preferred Parking Members (PPMs) has been circulated for consideration.

• Silver:  $115. At the Silver PPM level , members will receive
  • Preferred parking: Marked sites painted in silver, gold and platinum stripes will be available ONLY to Preferred Parking Members. These parking spaces will be larger than standard sites and located closest to the beaches
  • Guaranteed Parking: Even on the busiest day, a PPM will have a guaranteed spot. In the case of a full parking lot, patrons with regular parking stickers will be towed on a random basis.
  • These privileges will be protected by a dedicated team recruited from the most aggressive City parking enforcement personnel.
  • Cars parking in marked PPM sites will be given a crippling fine and banned from all city parks for a year.
• Gold:  $515. At the Silver PPM level
  • All of the Silver privileges PLUS
  • Permission to bring alcoholic beverages to the beach (limited to Niagara wines only)
  • Access to the private PPM washroom
  • Dogs exempt from mandatory leash laws
• Platinum: $1,015. At the elite Platinum PPM level, a “fortunate few” will enjoy our beach parks with truly premium privileges. These include all of the privileges of Silver and Gold members PLUS:
  • Access to exclusive section of beach carefully groomed for comfort and patrolled to ensure your safety and privacy.
  • Membership in the special PP Platinum Club with full access to the PPP Clubhouse
  • Concierge service: a dedicated concierge team will meet you in the PPM parking sector and carry to the Platinum Private Beach your toys, picnic hampers, chilled Niagara Chardonnay, small pets or other necessities for a pleasant day at the beach.

One of the more innovative aspects to the scheme is the Green Commitment Plan (GCP). According to sources, 20% of the upper tier fees will be dedicated to environmental actions. And best of all, PPMs can designate how they want their money spent in the ongoing battle against climate disaster. Full details are not yet complete, but several examples have been proposed:  

• For $50, a tree will be planted in an existing greenspace
• For $100, a gas-powered leaf blower will be replaced by an battery-powered unit
• For $200, a foot of asphalt trail will be torn up and the section repaved with permeable stone chips

The SubStandard applauds the City’s ongoing attempts to make up the $9 million of taxpayers money given to developers to subsidize luxury condo developments through such creative measures.

Rumours have been circulating for weeks, and we’ve all been on the edges of our seats, but it’s finally official: The Ontario Asphalt Pavement Council (http://www.onasphalt.org/index.html) has awarded the St Catharines City Council OAPC’s 2022 first quarter Hot Mess Award for supporting the asphalt industry in innovative and exciting new ways.

In announcing the award, Paver LeMond, Spokesperson for the Council, said they have been following St Catharines for years with great interest. “100% Canadian asphalt has always been and continues to be the pavement of choice for Canada. Thousands of workers in the oil extraction industry benefit from every meter paved. In part,” LeMond continued, “this award recognizes cities that understand that asphalt is patriotic.”

LeMond did say there had been disappointments. “We were saddened to see temporary suspension of the plan to pave over part of Mountain Locks Park, but we are still confident that initiative will move forward after the next municipal election.” Despite that setback, Mr LeMond said, St Catharines has been a provincial leader in asphalt initiatives. 

“They really deserve this prize,” LeMond said. “I mean, putting miles of asphalt through citizen-owned land with no consultation! What leadership! What vision! And shortly after recognizing we are in the middle of a climate crisis! Brilliant!”

 When SubStandard reporters pointed out that the trail could be upgraded with stone dust to accommodate wheelchairs, pedestrians and bikers at a fraction of the $1.5 million paving cost and with none of the negative environmental impacts, Mr LeMond agreed heartily.

“Exactly!” he enthused. “That’s what makes the city eligible for this honour. It takes genius to pave paradise when it is obviously a terrible idea. Besides,” he said, “who needs more cow paths? You know our motto: ‘Pavement is Progress.’”

The award, donated by highway mogul Angus MacAdam, will be announced on the US-based National Asphalt Pavement Association podcast “Pave It Black.”

While people living near the old GM plant are reporting considerable activity on the site, what exactly is going on remains a mystery.

“Yeah, sure,” one local resident commented. “They SAY they’re cleaning up the site. But if that’s what’s really happening, why wouldn’t the City make a statement? Why wouldn’t the MOE happily release a progress report? And why would Peter’s Haulage’s long-promised public meeting never take place? No,” he added  darkly, “there’s more going on over there than meets the eye.”

While facts are few, speculation is rampant. Theories about what is actually going on behind the plywood wall range from covering up evidence of alien landings to striking oil on the property. However, never content to settle for brushoffs from officials, considerable digging by the SubStandard’s crack team of journalists has uncovered another disturbing possibility: Jimmy Hoffa is buried on the GM site.

According to one usually unreliable source, rumours to this effect have been swirling around St Catharines for years. “Just think about it,” our informant, who wishes to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisal, told us. “Where was Hoffa killed? Outside of Detroit at the Red Fox Restaurant. So, like you’ve got a body, see? Whatcha you gonna do wit it? How about put it into a barrel of PCBs and ship it due east to a factory in another country that besides making cars doubles as a PCB dump site?” He nodded balefully. “This is how it went down, see? Surprised it took the fuzz like, you know, 50 years to figure it out.” 

Committed to the highest journalistic standards,  SubStandard reporters spared no effort in verifying the facts. After a half hour  on Wikipedia, we were able to confirm that Hoffa was indeed last seen at the Red Fox Restaurant outside of Detroit on July 7, 1975. St Catharines, a mere four hours away, did host a recognized PCB dump site at the GM factory. And the transport of chemicals and car parts from Detroit to St Catharines was common and unremarkable

While it is impossible to confirm this rumour, observers have recently noted officials in hazmat suits sampling PCB runoff from the plant, possibly analyzing it for traces of Hoffa’s DNA.

Committed to keeping the community misinformed, we will follow this story like bloodhounds. Stay tuned!

Rumours are swirling in Port Dalhousie about a superyacht once owned by the notorious Russian oligarch Boris Badanov that is now said to be steaming to its new home in a slip adjacent to the Harbour Club Residences in PD.  The luxury pleasure boat, advertised in Yachting International magazine as “offering the discerning purchaser an unparalleled combination of refined living with a one-of-a kind waterside setting,” is said to be longer than a Canadian football field.

Originally called the Zhadnyy Ublyudok, the yacht has reportedly been reflagged in Liberia and renamed the CIP4ME. While details are sketchy, reports suggest the new owner paid about $7 million for the yacht, “A real bargain,” according to Holly Shitz, a writer for YI. “The yacht inventory has increased recently,” Ms Shitz commented. “It’s something of a buyer’s market right now.”

Don Cinque, a spokesperson for Canadian Port Authorities, admitted that the sudden influx of new megayachts presents a challenge. “These suckers are big,” Cinque said when contacted by SubStandard reporters. When asked about the moorage fees for such enormous craft, Cinque scoffed, “Obviously, if we went by the book, the costs would be astronomical.  But given the benefits to the community, we are negotiating agreements with local councils so they will pay the yacht owners to dock in their marinas.”

Cinque went on to say the agreements will include a Community Benefits clause requiring all caviar, champagne and chlorine for the onboard swimming pools to be purchased locally.

Along with Grimsby councillor Dave Sharpe and MP Dean Alison, a good chunk of West Lincoln’s mayor and council showed up in Ottawa to demonstrate their support for freedom-loving Canadian truckers and their American donors.       

Dave Bylsma, West Lincoln mayor,  pastor and founder of Mayor Dave’s Miracle Covid Juice, was unapologetic about his presence in Ottawa. “We are honouring the spirit of our forefathers,” he said in a Zoom interview from the nation’s capital. “When our Anglo-Saxon ancestors came to Canada it was understood that our God-given right to make up the rules as we go was only surpassed only by our right to live free of logic and common sense.

“That is freedom”, he continued. “I am proud to be a pureblood sidewalk commando in the fight to end the oppression caused by science-driven public health policies, publicly funded education, and especially being told we can only drive on one side of the road.”

 He added that to keep the True North strong and free, everybody needs to get behind the protesting truckers’ demand to clog the hospitals, restrict access to health care due to overwhelmed doctors and nurses, and infect their neighbors.

When the SubStandard reporter remarked that his concept of freedom without responsibility was infantile, a nearby demonstrator leapt at the camera and yelled, “Hey, we ain’t no child molesters!”

 At this point West Lincoln trucker/councillor Harold Jonker. rushing back from a local bank after depositing an undisclosed number of government baby bonus cheques, joined in. “Look, I know you think that tying up traffic for weeks, shutting down manufacturing plants, inconveniencing millions of people, honking horns all day and all night, fighting against health policies that have saved countless lives, and defying law enforcement officials is stupid. But actions like these are exactly what we need to make Canada great again!”