Category Archives: Uncategorized

Following up on rumours of heavy machinery operating along the Merritt Trail on the west side of the 2nd Welland Canal in Canal Valley, SubStandard reporters decided to investigate and get to the bottom of the matter. They were shocked by what they discovered. The intrepid reporters found tracks of what appeared to be aContinue reading “Have GM Site PCBs Created Monsters?”

While many observers driving by Lincoln Centennial Public School have expressed shock and dismay at the massacre of about a dozen trees, some nearly 100 years old, along Scott Street, we are happy to report that this is in fact an element in a new curriculum unit designed to help students better understand the effectsContinue reading “School Board introduces Innovative Climate Change Program”

If you get lemons, make lemonade. That was the spirit of the recent announcement by a spokesperson for Mayor Sendzik in announcing a new event for fishers, young and old. “We are very excited about this,” the spokesperson said. “Fishing derbies are real popular family events and we have a chance to put one onContinue reading “Parks Department Announces Magnetic Fishing Derby”

Fresh from their internationally renowned attempt to expropriate a 150-year old family farm for a commercial development despite being cratered with abandoned industrial sites, Welland governance continues to outdo themselves. The infamous “farmland to stripmall” municipal plan had barely faded into the collective fog when the Welland City council, apparently feeling neglected from a momentary lack of derision, engagedContinue reading “Welland Council Desperately Searches for a Bottom”

The SubStandard has just learned that the City recently placed an order for 16 million omniscids from a company known as “The Bug Lady (https://www.thebuglady.ca),” which advertises that it offers “predatory mites, parasitic wasps, nematodes, and ladybugs.” (The latter are currently unavailable, we are sorry to report, but we were relieved to see that praying mantises wereContinue reading “Could Bug Purchase Be Part of City’s GM Cleanup Strategy?”

Almost exactly four months ago, the skyline of St Catharines changed forever. At high noon on February 5, the smokestack on the GM site came crashing down in a cloud of dust to join the other piles of rubble, a heritage landmark reduced to resalable bricks in seconds. The flattening did not go unnoticed. HundredsContinue reading “Shocking Photo Reveals Real Smokestack Culprit!”

ST. CATHARINES [sic] – The largest city in the Niagara peninsula has decided to change its name after realizing that the spelling of “St. Catharines” has been wrong for over two centuries. “We’ve always insisted that our semi-literate Loyalist ancestors who named this city had it right,” explained Mayor Walter Sendzik. “We have always been adamantContinue reading “St. Catharines to change name so people spell it right”

As if lead, arsenic, copper, cadmium, barium, several kinds of PCBs and two dozen other pollutants weren’t enough, Councillor Karrie Porter has identified yet another contaminant. According to the councillor, “toxic masculinity” has polluted the GM brownfield site as well. “While working to address issues on this property, there has been no end to misogyny,Continue reading “Councillor Finds New Toxin on GM Site!”

Two new tests of pollution discharge from the old GM site into 12 Mile Creek have shown that PCBs originating on the site are flowing into the creek 365 days a year, rain, or shine. The measured discharge rate is only 908 times above what is stipulated by the provincial Water Quality Objectives. Given thisContinue reading “PCB Pollution in 12 Mile Creek Only 908 Times over Provincial Guidelines!”