Bylsma introduces new line of Covid-stopping orange juice

Encouraged by his “mom’s advice,” West Lincoln mayor David Bylsma has launched his own brand of orange juice called Mayor Dave’s Miracle Covid Juice. “It’s just what the doctor ordered,” Bylsma gushed at the introduction of the new product. “It saddens me that it has taken so long to get this product to the public. Just think: if this had been around a year ago everybody would be healthy and the economy would be thriving. And most of all we wouldn’t have to deal with all of this mask nonsense.”

Bylsma points out that his product isn’t just any orange juice. “We buy our juice from Brazil. The oranges are grown in former useless land along the Amazon that’s been clear cut for orchards. As a result the oranges are just full of sunshine and fresh air.” But that isn’t the key to its antiviral properties, Bylsma claims. Bylsma, former president of the Christian Heritage Party and perennial CHP federal candidate, said the secret is a single drop of blood. “But very special blood,” Bylsma clarified. “I buy it by the liter from Dennis Van Meer, a local resident who is scientifically certified to have a natural immunity to Covid-19.” Instructions on the bottle suggest that for maximum effectiveness patients drink the Miracle Juice while exercising. While Mayor Dave’s Miracle Covid Juice will soon be in health food stores everywhere, Bylsma revealed he isn’t done yet. “Next winter we plan to have a full line of toques, each one lined with heavy duty aluminum foil.”