In his annual state of the city address March 11, Mayor Sendzik was upbeat, waving pompoms while speaking to a near-empty hall. Despite the lack of an audience, the Mayor was animated in describing how the city had been “firing on all cylinders” just a year ago prior to its momentum being derailed by an unnamed “spiky shaped ball of contagion.” It was this spiky ball, the Mayor explained, that had halted the St. Catharines’ inexorable march toward becoming one of the most “dynamic, innovative, sustainable, and livable cities in North America.”
In terms of sustainability, the mayor pointed to the efficiency of the Ministry of
the Environment, who gave the polluted GM site a clean bill of health based on
rigorous drive-by inspections. “But no worries. That toxic wasteland has been
abandoned for four years. Obviously all the really bad stuff has already run off
into 12 Mile Creek, and the asbestos has long ago blown into peoples’ gardens.”
He grinned at the reporters in attendance, who were clearly impressed by his arm
curls. “And I am also proud to announce the discovery of a new fireproof tomato variety found growing along the perimeter of the GM site. We have named it The Red Wally.”
As for innovation, the Mayor pointed to plans to pave over a portion of a designated historical site and city park to enlarge a parking lot for a nearby restaurant. “This is truly cutting edge stuff,” the mayor said solemnly. “I mean, what good is park space if you can’t park on it?” He also mentioned the demolition of the old smokestack on the GMs completed without a city permit. “That was a relic of the past; we want to be forward looking, dynamic!” the mayor enthused. “Nobody imagined a responsible company would do such a thing without proper permits. Only in St. Catharines do companies have the freedom to innovate like this!”
The Mayor made it clear that he did not want to dwell on the negatives. “What’s with all this doom and gloom stuff? I mean, who was just named a ‘surprisingly cool city’ by Conde Nast? Sarnia? Not a chance. Welland? Don’t make me laugh. Although I must say their idea of confiscating a family farm to build a factory rather than cleaning up one of their abandoned industrial sites was pretty innovative. Niagara Falls is pretty cool too, but wrong again.” The mayor paused dramatically. “Give up? It was moi! er, us,” he beamed. “Now how cool is that?”
The mayor ended on a high note, saying that next year, “St. Catharines will be soaring again. That is my promise to you.” Though he did not provide details, reporters did note that St. Catharines is indeed experiencing soaring house prices, overdose deaths, unemployment, environmental degradation and homelessness.
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